Grief is a work not for the faint of heart. It’s exhausting to deal with. It is draining. I am tired.
But I refuse to not grieve. I refuse to not feel this pain. It hurts, but I’d rather feel pain than be numb at this point in my journey. In six more weeks I’ll have a break from work… so kind of holding off a bit on things until then, but really I am just trying to deal with things as they come right now.
I think when I have a bigger break I will schedule some time to just bring on the tears. To go through albums. To relive memories. Watch videos. Ugh. I really don’t want to do that stuff. Maybe in six weeks I’ll be ready. Maybe not. But I kind of just want to go through it. To be done with some of it.
I’m really crying a lot more. I even cried in front of the kids the other day. Wasn’t necessarily planning to, but just did. There are a lot of big decisions floating around my life right now; that’s stressful! So when a memory or something else pops up that triggers some grief, I am having a hard time holding it back. But if at all possible, I don’t even try to.
Music makes me cry. Going to certain places makes me cry. Seeing Facebook memories pop up makes me cry. People talking about being married (and joking about it or loving it) makes me want to cry.
I am definitely in the stage where I am grieving. The loss is real.
I miss having someone to hug and hold. I really enjoyed that. But if we’re being truthful, I’d been missing that for years already. So perhaps that’s why I haven’t really felt a huge void, even though I miss it.
I miss having someone else to send the kids to if I didn’t want to deal with the question they asked. Though the truth is that I don’t miss the crappy feeling that came with doing that, or the dread of what his answer might be, or the hopeless/helpless feeling that came with having to enforce some of his utterly ridiculous mandates. So perhaps that’s why I haven’t really felt a huge void, even though I miss it.
I miss having another adult to share life with, talk about nuances with, discuss the future, the choices of our children, and more. But honestly, I’d been missing that for years already too. So perhaps that’s why I haven’t really felt a huge void, even though I miss it.
Wow. I guess I’m not really missing as much as I thought… or maybe as I thought I should.
Maybe I should write on what I actually ENJOY more now. Because even though I really am in the place in the process where I am tempted to feel a bit sorry for myself and I just want to curl up and cry a whole lot of the time, I’m actually doing well.
As I write this, I see that the things I miss are honestly just missing the illusions of things. Because I didn’t really have the things themselves – at least not recently.
Grief sucks. Tears are a pain. Crying isn’t always convenient.
But it is healthy. And being healthy has always been important to me. Why would I stop now?
So I cry. A lot. And life continues to move on.
Tomorrow will be brighter.
Especially if I have worked through the grief, dealt with the pain, lived in the moment, embraced the loss, and look forward to what is to come.
So even though so much of what I miss really is just an illusion, it is still a loss and I will treat it with the respect and consideration it deserves.
I choose to grieve well.